dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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