When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Randomize
