Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
