The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
