I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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