There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
