Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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