So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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