What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
