I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
