worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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