Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
