I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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