I didn't shave. On purpose
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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