Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I did not marry a roomba.
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