just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
