I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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