Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
