so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
