Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
