I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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