You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
