if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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