Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Randomize
