closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
