I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Man, jail baloney is awful.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
