I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
