my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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