By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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