he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Drunk is not a location!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
