So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
