I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
