I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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