My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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