That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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