you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
