WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
