one two three fourrrrnication!
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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