you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
