I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
