At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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