Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
this hospital has no fireball
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
