Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
