I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
