i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
