It's like God shit irony all over that family
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
