drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
