i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
