that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
