she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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