Moan for me like Helen Keller
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
